


I Blame Myself

by Chazene



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Death, F/F, Not what you think, Reverse Black Mercy, Sad, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chazene/pseuds/Chazene
Summary: A traumatic event leaves Kara broken





	I Blame Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really to give out warnings...as a writer, I feel they give away the suspense but this, this is some heavy stuff.  
> (not as heavy as other fics i've read, but still heavy)

_They said you died on a Thursday night. That’s what they told me. They said you overdosed. You were alone when you died. But I found you. I found you crouched over your toilet with pills in one hand and an empty bottle of whiskey in the other. It actually looked like you had changed your mind and made an effort to get the meds out by vomiting. But it didn’t work. You died._

_I don’t understand. How could you do this to yourself? Was it really that bad? Do I not know you as well as I think? This has to be foul play. Someone had to have gotten to. You wouldn’t do this to yourself. I tell Alex as much, but if you did…You died alone. You didn’t let me in, you should have let me in. I could have helped. I could have saved you. I could have healed you, but you didn’t let me in._

_You died Lena, and I blame myself. I blame myself because I could have done more. I could have done more to save you. I could have told you how I really feel. I could have told you that you mean so much to me. I could have told you that I think of you more than just my best friend. I could have told you that…I could have told you I love you. But no, I said nothing, and now you’re dead._

_You’re dead, and I blame myself._

_I am looking at you now, lifeless, on a cold metal slab. The coroner needs a confirmation, no one came to claim you, no one except me. But they said ‘family only’. They should have known you don’t have family. No one. You had no one except me. I was there, I was there to confirm that you really are dead. I hoped though, I hoped that maybe I was dreaming, maybe finding you limp and lifeless, finding your body huddled over a toilet, being here to look into your lifeless eyes was just a horrible nightmare._

_But as they pulled the sheet to reveal your face, I knew. I knew this was the face of my best friend. Only one person in the world could have that face. Some part of me hoped that maybe it was a clone, a shapeshifter even, but I knew it was you._

_You are dead, and I blame myself._

_I lied to you. I lied to you to protect myself. Selfish. I should have told you who I really was. I should have told you I was an alien. I should have told you that I am Supergirl. You might have hated me, you might have already known, but I wouldn’t have had to lie to you anymore._

_But it doesn’t matter anymore, you’re dead now, and I blame myself._

_I leave you alone. Alone on a cold metal slab. I don’t know where to go. I can’t go to my apartment, I have too many memories of the smiles you gave me there. I can’t go to work, I have too many memories of the lunches spent on the balcony. I don’t go to L-Corp to comfort Jess, I have too many memories of our interviews that turned into dinners._

_I go to the DEO, the only place I’ve never shared with you. Alex is there. Maggie is there. Winn is there. James is there. J’onn is there. None of them know what to do. I walk to the sunroom and just lie down. I stare into nothingness and I finally let the tears flow._

_I didn’t cry when I found you, I didn’t cry as paramedics hauled you away, I didn’t cry when I confirmed that the body I found in your apartment was you. But now I cry. I cry because I don’t know what else to do. I wrap my cape around my body, hoping to find comfort in its warmth. But there’s nothing. There’s nothing. Nothing._

_You are dead Lena, and I blame myself._

_“Kara?” I hear Alex call out. I turn away. I try not to listen. But that’s impossible as I’d hear Alex even if she was a mile away. I tune my hearing to her heartbeat, it’s the only sound I can find even the smallest of solace in. Maggie walks in the sunroom as well. Her heart beats in sync with Alex’s. They are so very much in love. I am so happy for them. But sad for me. Because that could’ve have been us. If I had told you how I feel. I was too afraid. I was afraid if I told you how I feel, you wouldn’t feel the same. I’d then have to live each day pretending we could just be friends, but I would have done it anyway. I love you that much._

_But you’ll never know it because you’re dead, and I blame myself._

_“Kara?” Alex asks again her voice carries through the room softly, calmly, like a leaf flowing through the wind. I finally turned my head to see Alex and Maggie kneeling at the bedside with sorrowful eyes._

_“Kara, you were right. She didn’t kill herself.”_

_One small pain in my chest vanished. I know you hadn’t. At first, all the evidence pointed to that. But my sister is smarter than most. She said she’d double check._

_Alex said they found some complexly named formula in your system that heavily sedated you._

_Someone killed you Lena. I should’ve known Lex wasn’t going to stop. It has to be him. No one else could be as cunning. It was him or your mother. And if it was your mother. I swear to Rao I’ll find her. And I’ll… I’ll kill her._

_But it won’t make a difference. You will still be dead, and it will still be my fault. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I should have been around to protect you. I made a promise. I promised that I would always protect you. I broke that promise. I failed you Lena. You’re dead because I failed you._

_If my tears weren’t flowing before, they were flowing now._

_“I am so sorry sweetie.” Alex says, placing her hand on my cheeks, trying to wipe away the river of tears that would not stop flowing. Maggie takes one of my hands and holds it in hers. It’s a kind gesture, one that makes me feel a fraction of a percent better._

_“I’m sorry Little Danvers. I really am.” Maggie says._

_I sit up in the bed, now holding both Maggie and Alex’s hands._

_“I,” I muster, trying to find the ability to speak for the first time in hours, but my throat wouldn’t allow it. I collapsed into the arms of my sister and her girlfriend. I cried. I cried and cried and cried until my eyes had no more tears left to shed._

_“It’s okay Kara, cry it out. We’ll stay here.” Alex said, tears forming in her own eyes._

_They stayed with me until my tears made my eyes heavy enough to fall asleep._

_But I didn’t sleep. I didn’t dream. But I had nightmares. Plenty of them, all in which consisted of you dying._

_Over and over and over, I saw you die. Each time it was worse._

_I wake up screaming. I was kicked and shaking the bed, trying to unsee the nightmares, but it didn’t work. It took, Alex, Maggie, James, and J’onn to hold me down._

_It took a minute for them to get me to calm down. And when I did, I began crying again, I can’t stop thinking about you._

_You’re dead, and I blame myself._

_Hours later I go home. Hoping to arrive to peace and quiet. But I forget Mon-El is there. He tries to comfort me but right now, nothing helps._

_Days pass. Your funeral comes. I’m one of only few that show. I curse your family for being so evil that people don’t even come to say goodbye._

_Jess is there, she looks as if she hasn’t slept since you died. You gave her the company. She was the only one you trusted to take her place. But an enormous weight is now on her shoulders and I’m not sure how much longer she can keep lifting that up._

_James, J’onn, Alex, Maggie, and Winn are there. But only because I’m there. I think Jess and I are the only one who shed tears for you. Everyone else cries for me. No one wants to see me like this. But I don’t care how they see, they don’t know what it’s like to have the woman you love taken from you._

_You’re dead, and I blame myself._

_I return to my apartment and find a letter and a package at my door. I x-ray it to make sure there’s nothing harmful in it._

_But then I see my name, hand-written on a letter taped to the top. It’s not your handwriting, rather it looks like Jess’. I take the box inside and open it. I read the letter first, it’s from Jess._

Kara,

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. Truly, I am. You were Lena’s only friend here, and I know she cared for you deeply.

And I am also sorry for keeping what is inside this box from you. Lena said that it will only be sent to you in case of her death.

So, this is a box Lena made for you. I don’t know what I can say or do that’ll make you feel better, but I hope this will help you.

My truest sorrows,

Jess.

_I don’t react to the card. Not Jess’. But I open the box and there is one more letter, placed on a gift-wrapped present, printed with the sigil of my family all over the paper. This letter is imprinted with your penmanship, my name written in beautifully curved letters._

_I take the letter in my shaking hands, unsure of what you’ve written me._

_I open the card and begin reading,_

Kara,

My darling, I am so sorry for doing this to you. But, if you are reading this, it means I am dead. The work of my mother I presume. I was hoping it could end differently, but we seldom get what we want.

But it would feel wrong for me to die and not leave you anything. I know you don’t value much on money, sometimes I envy you on that front, but what is here is yours. I know you’ll use it wisely. But it won’t be the only thing, Jess and my lawyers will be in touch eventually, with my will. This here however, this is my gift.

_I don’t yet bother to look at the piece of paper I know is on the back of the card, I just keep reading._

Kara, there are so many things I wish I could say to you. So many things I wish I could do. One thing I regret not saying to you is I love you.

_Tears begin dripping down on the heavy paper, making stains on your beautiful calligraphy._

I love you so much my dear. I never said it because I feared how you would take it. I am used to rejection, you’ve met my mother. But I know I wouldn’t be able to stand rejection from you.

_“No, Lena, no!” I cry as I continue to read._

I’ve loved you since you saved me from my mother. You came as Supergirl, just to save me (Yes, I know your secret. And I’ve never resented you for not telling me. It’s your secret to tell, and you had your reasons I’m sure).

_“I’m such an idiot.” I say to myself. You knew all this time Lena, WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING._

You’re probably cursing at yourself, aren’t you? Don’t. I hold no ill will my love. I love you for you, not for being a hero of an entire city, but being a hero for me. You stood up for me when no one else did. You believed in me when no one else did. You stayed by my side when no one wanted to be there. Every time you walked through my door, nothing but happiness would fill my heart. The warmth and joy you irradiate captured me so easily that it was hard not to fall in love with you. At first, I tried to suppress my feelings, I wouldn’t give in, and the fact that you are reading this now, I never did fully give in, but I allowed myself to fall in love you because I wanted to. I wanted so badly to fall in love with you Kara that it hurt each second that we were apart. And now we’ll never be together. And I am so sorry for hurting you like this.

And that is the second gift I can give you. When I figured out who you were, I made you a gift that I knew only you would understand. A gift only you could cherish. The only gift I could think of giving you. Something that will help me be close to you in death.

I hope it will help you through my death. Nothing will ever be enough to repay what joy you had brought to my life Kara. I wish we could spend so much more time together.

_A small smile forms on my lips through the tears. You’re dead and you won’t cease to make me smile Lena._

And so, this is it, my final goodbye. Please don’t let my death change who you are. Even if you do love me to, I cannot be the cause of your heroic actions to dissipate. I don’t know what your future holds, but if you continue to be you, it will be a bright one indeed.

I will love you Always Kara Danvers. Always.

Love,

Lena Luthor.

 _I finally turned over the paper behind the back of the card. It’s one of your checks. It’s made out to me, for six million dollars. I don’t react, partly because of shock, I’m holding a check for six million dollars, and it’s from you. In the memo line, it says_ 1 for each month of happiness you gave me. _Next to it you added a little heart._

_What am I going to do with six million dollars?_

_I place the check on the kitchen counter, not wanting to look at it or touch it. Instead, my hands reach for the box, gift-wrapped in my family’s sigil. I take care at opening the paper, not ripping it like a child on Christmas morning._

_It is a velvet box, a bit large for what I think it is, but my heart shudders anyway. Did you give me a ring Lena, a ring after you’ve died?_

_I open the box but there is no ring. It is an elegant bracelet, platinum by the look of it. It has beautiful carvings etched all over its metal. And there are words on it, not English, but they belong to my language. Kryptonese, you said Love Conquers All_

_I take the bracelet out of the box and a note is found at the bottom of the box._

I know what bracelet’s mean on your world, maybe you will accept it on mine?

_I immediately clasp the bracelet to my wrist._

_“Yes! Lena. YES!” I cry out, “I…”_

_I collapse on the floor in a puddle of tears._

_“Why didn’t you tell me Lena? I LOVE YOU TOO!!! I LOVE YOU AND YOU LEFT ME!” I scream into my empty apartment. If you had told me all these things I might have been in your apartment the night you were killed. I could have saved you, protected you like I promised I always would._

_But neither of us was brave enough to admit our feelings._

_You are dead now, and I blame myself._

_They find the man who killed you a few days later. Peter Howard is his name. He says he was hired a man who had no name, that he was paid by wire transfer. The DEO traces the money through shell corporations, owned by dummy companies, that report to other shell corporations. But they eventually get a name._

_Lillian Luthor._

_I knew it. I knew it had to be your family…but they aren’t your family. I was. You said it yourself. But I failed you, I failed on the one promise I kept you. But I am going to avenge your death. It takes all but two hours to find the bitch. An old abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Metropolis, that’s where she’s been hiding. Hiding like the coward she is._

_I pummel her to the ground, placing punch after punch to her worthless body. By the time I’m done her face is barely recognizable. But, I don’t kill her. I want to. I want to take my hands around her throat and snap her neck. I would have done it, but you told me not to. It won’t bring you back._

_You’re still dead, and I still blame myself._

_I take your mother to the DEO. J’onn scolds me for hurting your mother the way I did. I know he doesn’t blame me, but he’s still required to do something. But what I did is nothing compared to what Lillian has done. She’s going away for a long, long time._

_I thought I’d feel better, I thought after her capture that maybe I could return to normal but nothing does. I lie down in the sunbeds every evening and stare into lamps light, not giving any care to what’s going on around me._

_At one point Alex storms in, “Kara, I need you back. I know you’ve been through a lot. More than anyone should go through in a life time.”_

_I look to her and hear, “KARA COME BACK!” But her voice doesn’t match her lips. I tilt my head in wonder. “KARA, SNAP OUT IT!” Her lips don’t even move, but it’s her voice. I must be going crazy because I hear her voice several more times, but her lips don’t even move._

_I decide to go home. Mon-El is still there. He’s been patient, but apparently I’ve been too much to handle._

_“Kara, I know she’s your friend, but it’s time to move on.” He says._

_“No amount of time is going to get me through this Mon-El. I loved her and she’s just…gone.”_

_“I thought you loved me?” He says._ UGH. _He always chooses the worse times to bring this up._

_“Not now Mon-El.”_

_“Yes now! Kara I need to know if I’m wasting my time with you.”_

_My eyes flare in anger._

_“Then stop wasting it, I don’t love you. Okay, now you know…I don’t love you. I love her.”_

_He scoffs, “Kara, she was just a human.”_

_That was it, I slam him against a wall, forming an asshole shaped hole in the wall._

_“Get out.” I Growl, my eyes glowing red._

_“Kara, come back.” I hear him say. Again, I hear a familiar voice, his voice, but his lips don’t match._

_“Look Kara, I didn’t mean…” He says, this time his lips match his words. But I’ve had enough._

_“GET OUT!!!!!” I yell. “AND DON’T COME BACK!”_

_“Kara, come back to us.” He says, once more a mismatch between voice and lips. Mon-El stands motionless in front of me. But I don’t want to see him again, I don’t want to hear his annoying voice, I want him gone._

_“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I scream, louder than I’ve ever screamed before._

_He rushes out, not bothering to get any of his belongings. And he probably won’t get them back, if I see him again I will fry him._

_But he is gone now and I am alone in my apartment. I twirl your bracelet around my wrist, finding solace in its touch._

_I want to fly around, try to work out all the feelings I’m feeling. But I can’t. I can’t fly. I don’t want to be her. I can’t be her. She’s brave, heroic, I am not. She could have saved you, I could not. She is strong, I am not. You told me not to let your death change me but it already has Lena._

_You are dead Lena, and I blame myself._

_I then hear a voice._

_“Kara.” It’s your voice. My head swivels around my empty apartment but no-one is there._

_“Kara.” You repeated. I x-ray my apartment and still nothing._

_“Kara, come back to us, it’s not real.”_

_I shake my head, trying to get rid of the noises. You’re dead Lena, you can’t be talking to me._

_“Kara.”_

_“Shut up!”_

_“Kara, its me.”_

_“No, you’re dead.”_

_“No, Kara, it’s not real. Please, please come back darling.”_

_“NO!! THIS ISN’T HAPPENING.” I scream, kneeling to the floor and covering my ears._

_“Kara, please, it’s me, it’s Lena. You’ve got to come back.”_

_“NO!”_

_“KARA! WAKE UP!”_

“NOOOOO!!!” I scream, a heat blast vaporizing a lamp above me. I’m no longer in my apartment. I’m at the DEO. In a sunbed, well it was a sunbed.

I look around, terrified at what was happening. I see Alex first.

“A…Al?”

“Kara, you’re back.” She said, wrapping her arms around me.

“What’s-what’s going on?” I asked, unsure of what just happened.

“You don’t remember?”

“No.”

“Kara, you were attacked by Lillian, she planted some weird bug thing on you and you were comatose. Its like a reverse Black Mercy. It makes your worst fears become real. I tried to get you out, Mon-El tried to get you out. But you screamed at him to get the fuck out, can't say I blame you though.”

“Then how did…” I begin, but I stop when I catch sight of green eyes. “Le…Lena?” I ask, my voice hoarse and sore. Tears were filling both our eyes. “LENA!!” I shout. I jump up from the bed, knocking Alex out of the way, but she was caught by Maggie before she hit the ground.

I wrap my arms around Lena tightly. Not even thinking of when I’m going to let go.

“You were dead. You were dead and it was all my fault.” I cry into her shoulders. I then feel her soft hands rub up and down my back.

“I’m right here Kara.”

“But you were dead.”

Lena pushed me back but only enough the grab my right hand.

She firmly placed it over her heart.

“Listen. Feel.”

I do as I was commanded. And sure enough, _thump, thump…thump, thump…thump, thump._

It was the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Oh Rao Lena!” I cried, pushing my lips onto hers. She was surprised, she gasped a bit in the kiss but after a few short seconds, her hands find the back of my neck, deepening the kiss.

We ignored the gasps of others in the room. Alex, being the most prominent. Winn said some conjumbled mess of ‘Oh My God’ and ‘I didn’t know’

Maggie said nothing, but given the happy beat of her heart, she was smiling.

Once Lena and I pulled from the kiss, I finally said the words that I had so long been wanting to say.

“I love you Lena.” I cry out. “I love you.”

Lena’s eyes flow with tears. “Kara, I love you too.”

We hug again.

“Oh Rao, Lena, you were dead.”

“I am right here Kara, you saved me.”

“What?” I asked, breaking the hug.

“Kara, Lillian kidnapped me. You swooped in and saved me.”

“I, I did?”

Lena smiled and gave me a chaste kiss.

“Of course you did! I’m alive, and it’s all because of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> It seems some of my best stories have been really emotional.
> 
> Also this is not part of my Secrets series, this is separate from that. 
> 
> If you wanna yell at me or have an idea you wanna see come to tumblr (chazene) (my  
> Profile pic is Dwight from the office)


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